The first of my rambling thoughts...

Ever wish you could enter someone's mind? Go through their thoughts? I do. I also wish a few people could go through mine. Go through them and understand me. Make the thoughts go away. Quiet them. Answer the questions. Solve the problems. Stop the rattling and rambling that never seems to end. I'd also like to enter other people's minds. Just once. Only once and one person. I want to, long to know how they operate. How they see things. What they feel and especially whet they think about me.

My motto is "Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass. It is about learning to dance in the rain." I try to live by that letting each second, each minute be what it is. Accepting it and hoping that I can get through it and move on. Move to the next second and hope it is better than the last. Sometimes those seconds are better. Sometimes they're not. Sometimes it feels they last for hours. Sometimes not long enough.

I want to have answers. I have none. I have lost my way. All I do know is-this right here, right now is not the answer I seek. Not at all. I feel suffocated, lost, lonely, sad and unliked. There are moments of joy, excitement and happiness. Those are quickly covered with guilt and loneliness still.

Sure, there is someone wanting to ease the loneliness. I know that. I see it. I can't let him. He would be hurt if he knew. I don't want that. I continue on. Wishing and hoping to escape. To where? I don't know. A place of answers would be nice. I fear that does not exist. Not for me anyway.

I desire to be alone. To have room to move and breathe and to not have to worry about disappointing anyone. To only have to please myself and my children. To only have to worry about them would be a relief. To not have to double check every word before it crosses my lips, every move that I make, every thought that I think. Others say this is not what I want. That it is easier to be together than alone. I think they are wrong. I am not dependant on another for joy. A partner would be nice, but I'm not sure I want one. At least not now. Not all the time. I like relying on myself. Knowing what I have to do. Doing it and getting it done. My way.