I may need a ladder soon

To get out of this hole I have apparently been digging myself into.

You see, I have reconnected with someone from the past. Eeekk! It's been a wild ride and one I'm not so sure I want to get off of and I'm darn sure hoping the ride doesn't end anytime soon. So, this "friend" is someone I knew going back to when we met 16 years ago. It was a crazy time and we were both wild and carefree. The fun we had together is one of the most vivid memories I have of that time in my life and I wouldn't take any single thing back about them.

The last time we spoke was 12 years ago. I had waited 4 long years for him to say that he was finally ready to stop the back and forth and that he wanted to try an actual relationship. He asked me. He asked a few months too late and being young I had to choose the sure bet I had upstairs or him. He never seemed to be able to make up his mind so I chose the sure bet. I haven't regretted that but I have always wondered if I made the right decision. A girlfriend of mine called it "unfinished business". Well, perhaps it's time to finish the "business" and see once and for all where this goes and get some answers to my questions.

I realize that what I am doing is not quite honest or moral, but who says I'm not allowed to question things in my own life? Do we not all make mistakes? Do we not all question whether a decision we have made was the right one? No, we all do that and that is what I am doing now. Call it selfish, I don't care. I need to know. I don't want to live the rest of my life and regret that for the second time I had the chance to find out and didn't.

I am though curious about his intentions. Being able to read his mind would be a sure plus, but that isn't going to happen. So, the next best thing is to run the situation by a close male friend. You see, this guy who I will call Tim is something of a mystery. Most women believe a man will screw any attractive woman he meets if she is willing. Why not, right? Well, not so with Tim. We had the chance to meet a few times and only once did we actually get together. It was beautiful and the chemistry was beyond words. However, he made no move to get me in the sack. I am grateful for that as it showed that his motives are not purely sexual but then I wonder if his motives include more than that, why does he keep me at an arms length? Clearly by the text messages I receive he is more than interested in sex with me (and that's nothing that hasn't happened many times in the past). So, why not get together? That's what I can't figure out. I'm not suggesting we get together for that, but to talk. To catch up and just spend time together for awhile. That's where my good male friend comes in. After much talking and going back and forth with details he is of the opinion that Tim is interested but being as I am still "attached" he is not ready to make the moves. However, he's interested enough to stay around in case that should change or if he decides he doesn't care that I am "attached" and wants to see where things go.

All of this sounds about right to me. I'd just like to know where it goes and how he feels. I also know that this is not something that I can believe I'm going through. I never thought I'd be in this position. I am though and I'm not about to let this chance pass me up again.

A little background

I suppose if anyone is actually reading this I do owe you a little background.

I have been married now for almost 11 years. I was married at 20 and we had our son shortly after. Then came our daughter just 2 years later. Like most young girls I was thrilled to have a family of my own and proud to be a mama. I still am proud to be a mama.

At the time when the kids were just little toddlers I wanted nothing more than to be a Suzy Homemaker, Betty Crocker. I stayed home with them until my son was nearly 4 years old. I wouldn't trade those years for anything.

During the time when my babies were still babies I gave everything I had to them. All of my attention and time. That's how it should be. They had all they needed and more. We went on day trips, played outside, read, colored and had lots of fun times.

As they grew up, my husband and I, it seems grew apart. Or, perhaps I grew up and am the one who's growing apart from him. It appears he is more in love than ever, but for me, that isn't the case. Did we not spend enough time together really getting to know each other? Did we pick up separate interests along the way and are no longer on the same page? Did we just grow and in the process change who we both are? I don't have the answer for what happened and is happening. I do know though that I'm not so sure I'm in this for the long haul.

That's a very scary thing to say and to admit and face. The way I see things now is not the way he sees them. I want to grow, experience life, travel to the city, dance, be free spirited and get to know who I am. I'm not the Suzy Homemaker Betty Crocker I once was. I guess as time goes on we change. We become someone different and play different roles. Sure, I keep house, cook and take care of the kids and bills just like I always did. But, there is a side of me that needs to come out. That spunky side. She's been hidden inside so long that she's just tearing at the seams to be let out. That side has always been part of me. I just hold her in. I can't do that any longer. She needs to breathe...and so do I.

The first of my rambling thoughts...

Ever wish you could enter someone's mind? Go through their thoughts? I do. I also wish a few people could go through mine. Go through them and understand me. Make the thoughts go away. Quiet them. Answer the questions. Solve the problems. Stop the rattling and rambling that never seems to end. I'd also like to enter other people's minds. Just once. Only once and one person. I want to, long to know how they operate. How they see things. What they feel and especially whet they think about me.

My motto is "Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass. It is about learning to dance in the rain." I try to live by that letting each second, each minute be what it is. Accepting it and hoping that I can get through it and move on. Move to the next second and hope it is better than the last. Sometimes those seconds are better. Sometimes they're not. Sometimes it feels they last for hours. Sometimes not long enough.

I want to have answers. I have none. I have lost my way. All I do know is-this right here, right now is not the answer I seek. Not at all. I feel suffocated, lost, lonely, sad and unliked. There are moments of joy, excitement and happiness. Those are quickly covered with guilt and loneliness still.

Sure, there is someone wanting to ease the loneliness. I know that. I see it. I can't let him. He would be hurt if he knew. I don't want that. I continue on. Wishing and hoping to escape. To where? I don't know. A place of answers would be nice. I fear that does not exist. Not for me anyway.

I desire to be alone. To have room to move and breathe and to not have to worry about disappointing anyone. To only have to please myself and my children. To only have to worry about them would be a relief. To not have to double check every word before it crosses my lips, every move that I make, every thought that I think. Others say this is not what I want. That it is easier to be together than alone. I think they are wrong. I am not dependant on another for joy. A partner would be nice, but I'm not sure I want one. At least not now. Not all the time. I like relying on myself. Knowing what I have to do. Doing it and getting it done. My way.